This pregnancy brought to you by...

Remember how former View co-host Star Jones was publicly maligned for her commercially-sponsored wedding? Well Star has got nothing on another View co-host. Elizabeth Hasselbeck is pimping her pregnancy. That's right. Hasselbeck's pregnancy is sponsored by Dreft. For the uninitiated (read: childless), Dreft is an expensive and completely unnecessary laundry detergent, formulated especially for babies.

And indulge me while I ponder the irony of the situation. Hasselbeck is an outspoken opponent to a woman's right to choose, a position ostensibly predicated on the "sanctity of life". But it's perfectly fine to pimp that fetus for dollars. Brings new meaning to term "sanctity."

Barbie. Must. Die.

Introducing Barbie Fashion Fever Boutique, complete with pretend credit swiper.












Snarks the Consumerist:

We think Mattel should introduce the "Dang, I Grew Up" Barbie playset, where Barbie spends her entire paycheck on Rent-a-Center furniture while trying to make the minimum payments on her dozen or so 30% interest rate cards. But then again, since this is Barbie, once her credit score hit 300 or so the playset would probably just bump it back up to 800. Responsibility is so for nerds and foster children.

Say What?, Part I

Mattel apologizes to China for toy recalls.

Debrowski [Mattel's executive vice president of worldwide operations says] said he realized the damage that had been done to the reputation of Chinese goods, adding the company was committed to manufacturing in China and was also investing $30 million in a Barbie store in Shanghai.

Oh, China's reputation is damaged. Boo fucking hoo. Nice to see where Mattel's loyalty lies.

Britney versus the Duggars

As Britney's custody battle heats up, Team Kevin is gaining popularity. But I wonder: what has Britney done to justify stripping her of custodial rights? There's the teeth whitening and Coke in the baby bottle. Yeah, okay, those are parenting mistakes. But parenting mistakes happen all the time. If you were to strip parents of custodial rights for imparting poor nutrition, millions of parents would be implicated, including the Duggars. Yes, the Duggars, the tragically midwestern family with 17 spawn. Check out the layered ice cream cake recipe they posted to the family website:

LAYERED ICE CREAM CAKE

Makes a 9”x 13” Pan

24 Ice cream sandwiches

8 oz. Cool Whip™

1 Hershey’s™ chocolate syrup bottle

1 Smuckers™ caramel syrup bottle

2 king size Butterfinger™ candy bars chopped up

1st layer 12 ice cream sandwiches

2nd – half of whipped cream

3rd - half of Butterfinger™ bars

Squeeze 1/2 of caramel & chocolate over that.

4th - rest of ice cream sandwiches

5th – Cool Whip™

6th - rest of Butterfinger™, caramel & chocolate

You can freeze this and eat as desired! Yummy! Yummy!

Britney's nutritional choices have nothing on this mound of crap. And the Duggars are the model of Christian virtue and goodness. So lets tone down the hysterical rhetoric, take off our sancti-mommy hats and take Britney's parenting skills for what they are: flawed. Which makes her human, like the rest of us, including the Duggars.

Baby Names: Celebrity Edition

Out: "Britney"

Name your child Britney? What are you thinking, wonders the Poop. I think they're onto something. How will we ever divorce the name from the image of her entering the public bathroom barefoot? That image is seared in my brain for life. Too bad y'all, cause the name was kind of cute!

In: "Reese"

Anecdotally, I've noticed a significant uptick in the name "Reese". She is the celebrity model of girl perfection: smart, gorgeous and talented. And, perhaps most important to frightened parents in this day and age of GGW, she's a good girl. Not sure if naming one's child "Reese" will ensure the child's virtue, but gotta give parents credit for trying.

Good News/Bad News.

The good news: I received an Evite from one of the other mothers in my son's preschool class. That's nice, I think to myself. I'd like to get to know some of the other mothers. I'm the only working mother of the group, which makes me feel like an outsider, so this is a welcome opportunity.

The bad news: it's all a ploy to sell me shit! In fact, it's a party at a store. An ugly boutique clothing store, no less. Free wine and cheese, plus 10% off anything I buy. *rolls eyes*

Lead fallout.

Momsrising has been lobbying the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) to police the lead issue. Any such effort will be fruitless because the CPSC is, essentially, a joke - a safety organization in name only.

...the CPSC is not taken seriously, with a dearth of money, staffing, enforcement authority and leadership. Its budget is $63 million -- less than half of its original 1974 budget, if one corrects for inflation. (With inflation the budget should be $149 million, he says.) In 1980, the CPSC had a staff of 978. Now its staff is less than 400.

...Congressional investigators recently visited the CPSC's laboratory in Bethesda, Maryland, and according to Mierzwinski found it "like a bad high school lab."

Edwards is calling on the Administration and democratic leaders in Congress:

"As one father to another" -- to "take immediate action to stop the growing crisis of dangerous toys being imported from China." Specifically Edwards called for "mandatory, independent third party testing" of toys.

Given the current state of the CPSC, a legislative fix appears to be the only answer.

Another toy recall.

"We can clone sheep and build a missile that can hit someone's front door from 600 miles away, but we can't seem to manufacture toys that aren't slathered in toxins."

I might as well just sign over my paycheck to Thomas the Tank Engine.

We all know that James and Elmo are toxic. What are retailers going to do about it? Shake us down, naturally. Specifically:

Tighter controls will add more costs to makers, which could result in higher prices at the stores.

Oh, right. Cause the $19.99 per train they charge now is such a bargain.

Snarky Headline of the Day

Study: Babies Raised by Videos Appropriately Dumb as Expected. The study shows that Baby Einstein videos have a detrimental effect on a baby's vocabulary. I knew those things were a racket.

Red Alert

The plastic which comprises sippy cups and bottles may cause cancer. Is anything safe anymore?

Trend Alert, Part III

Summer camp for rich kids, with a twist: these camps teach the campers how to handle their inheritances. Yet another crutch for wealthy parents who shirk their duties. Here's a thought: teach your children the value of money the old fashioned way, and make them get a job. Case and point: Ivanka Trump. Good parenting can trump the trappings of wealth. (No pun intended.)

Campers are asked questions like, what would you do if you won $10 million? To which one camper responded with the money quote:

"If that's pretax, $10 million isn't that much."

Ha! Spoken like a true trust fund brat. The article goes on to conclude that:

...these kids wouldn't be tomorrow's chief executives and billionaire entrepreneurs. Most would probably drift through life spending their parents' money and hoping it would last. Tomorrow's economic superstars will more likely come from the striving middle class, just as they have for much of American history. And all that inherited wealth will wind up going to people who actually earned it -- an encouraging sign for those of us worried about the wealth gap.

I'm supposed to be encouraged that trust fund brats are so stupid they're likely to piss away their fortune? Well okay. But what about the fact that it's easy to make money when you already have money, e.g. through investing and business ventures. These kids are so dumb that they don't know how to hire advisors? But hey, if all else fails, heiresses-to-be can follow the footsteps of the mother of heiresses and release a sex tape.

Trend Alert, Part I

The giftless birthday party is gaining popularity. That's right. Parents request that guests donate to a charity in lieu of giving a present.

I can understand why a parent would adopt this approach. Birthday parties have clearly become excessive. And beyond that, society itself is wealthy compared to when I grew up. The cars and houses are bigger; there are more toys and baby gear; there are hundreds of television channels; children are expected to own a cell phone, etc. My unsupported theory is that extreme material wealth distracts from spirituality and things that really matter. Compare todays younger generation to that of the 60s. Where's the rebellion? Does the younger generation even care about the war in Iraq? And what's happened to rock music? It's become watered down and meaningless. It's like today's younger generation is missing a soul. Perhaps, they're in a videogame-induced malaise or something.

On the other hand, birthday gifts themselves are not per se excessive. I'm personally inclined to reject the giftless birthday party for that reason. But I will look for other ways of rejecting extreme materialism and imparting spirituality and a strong sense of values onto my children.

Daylight savings time is kicking my ass.

My three year old can't be convinced to go back to bed when it's light out. This means I'm up at 5:30 lately. *yawn* If only three year old toddlers could be configured like a 1950 alarm clock. Nine more minutes please.

Alarmist Headline of the Day

Afternoon naps could harm children. Yes "harm." And people wonder why modern-day parents are neurotic.

Not so fast.

Having children passengers who need to pee doesn't excuse speeding violation.

Snap!

A New Low: Part II

Behold the Fruit Loop straw:

Kellogg's Cereal Straws are straws lined with powdered sugar-cereal dust that kids can drink milk through. It makes the milk taste like the sludge left at the bottom of a cereal bowl.

And the thin line between child and garbage receptacle continues to erode.

An idea whose time has come?

The "Entitlement Slayers." Says the founder of this high-concept career counseling firm:

This is a generation...who have heard, from the moment they came out of the womb, that they are great and can do whatever they want. These kids have been helped, coddled, nurtured, told that they can do no wrong. We give them a dose of reality.

Of course, this "dose of reality" comes at a cost: $3,250. So parents shell over thousands of dollars to readjust their over-entitled children's sense of entitlement. Anyone else see the irony in this?

Here's a novel idea: don't spoil your kids.

Revenge!

Britney files a restraining order against her mother. Point deduction for heavy-handed conservative parenting. It might work when they're kiddies, but when they're big enough to fight back, look out.

"Scooby Doology"

Another demerit for scientology. John Travolta has expressed the opinion that psychotropic drugs are to blame for the Virginia Tech shootings. It has also been reported that Travolta is in denial about his son's autism, because scientology doesn't consider autism an illness for which treatment is appropriate. In the wake of Travolta's latest remark, one blogger is questioning whether scientology is worthy of its "logy" suffix:

There is absolutely no science to anything they do and the suffix “logy” denotes a field of study or academic discipline, which I swear to God does not apply to reading a bunch of fictionalized sci-fi books. Otherwise we would have an overwhelming amount of fake religions like “Hobitology,” “Scooby Doology,” or God save us from the redneck beliefs of “Hee Hawology.”

In my view, Scooby Doo compares favorably to L. Ron Hubbard. Maybe Travolta should give Scoobs a shot. Can't be any less rational than the g-d at whose alter he currently worships.